Leaning In Compassionately To My Self-Doubt

It has been difficult + challenging the last few weeks. There's been so much unveiling of all the systemic racism that occurs in the US as well as other parts of the world + it has been incredibly hard to process. My emotions range from rage, anger to sadness + hopelessness.

And the last few days I have been racked with self-doubt. The interesting thing, at least to me, is that having a mindfulness meditation practice allows me to watch my thoughts + feelings as they rise up. And fuck have they risen up a lot the last few weeks. 

I've been doubting every move + thought + decision I make. What do I post? What do I share? Do I share only because others are sharing the same thing? Is it genuine to me? Does it feel right in my bones to share + post on Instagram. Am I doing enough? Am I enough??

And today I decided to lean in + write in my journal about what I've been feeling because in a way I've been avoiding my self-doubt thoughts/feelings. I may have been objectively watching but I still was in some way avoiding too. And also,  I don't like feeling vulnerable + raw which I think is a totally normal human thing to think + feel.

After writing, I realized that I needed to practice Chris Germer's Self-Compassion Break audio meditation because that's what I really needed today. 

Below is the link to the Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion website that Kristin Neff + Chris Germer manage. And the practice I chose was Chris Germer's Self-Compassion Break, not the short one but the 15 minute one.


https://centerformsc.org/practice-msc/guided-meditations-and-exercises/

While doing this practice, it hit home that I really needed to validate what I was feeling. All the stuff I've been seeing, the racism, the reminder that systemic oppression, racism + marginalization still exists really fucking hurts. 

The practice also helped me to see that all the self-doubt I've been feeling is normal. That what I'm feeling, the self-doubt are all normal feelings because this is a lot to take in + it is really hard + that there is no one right avenue to voice out how systemic racism + oppression is rampant + insidious . 

My own thoughts of "Am I doing enough? What can I do that is genuine to me as an individual?" are all valid + that I don't need to expect to know all the right moves. And in fact, it isn't about making all the right moves that stem from guilt or self-doubt but (for me personally), acting from a place of genuine care + fierce compassion.

It also means that I don't have to feel guilty that I don't want to use Instagram as the only platform but that there are many meaningful options for me in how I discuss about systemic racism. One of them would obviously be on this blog + the other has been something I've been doing the last several years, talking to my long-term partner about colonization + its deep systemic relationship to racism. 

I'm learning that the push to unveil + stop systemic oppression + racism is imperative + important. 

I also think that everyone is going to do it differently + how I choose to be active will be my own unique way that feels right for me. 

I also think that it is important to sustain myself with practices that allow me to keep going because the gas on the pedal is there + we will all have to fight to keep making changes. 

I firmly believe that changes can motivated by curiosity, care + fierce compassion.

~I hope you are all well. This is a time of change. And change is coming.

~May we all break be free from the systemic racism + oppression that continue to make people suffer.