Anger With Open Heart + Systemic Racism
I just did a Solidarity + Compassion meditation practice from Jeff Warren's YouTube Channel. Here's the link if you are interested in this practice.
When I chose to do this practice, it wasn't a way out of discomfort. It was a way to relate to my own discomfort + to touch it with a sense of fierce compassion.
As I was guided to breath in the abstract pain + discomfort, I breathed in the tension I felt in my body. I breathed in the anger, the rage, the pain, the sadness, the confusion, the doubt. On my exhale, I imagined a softening, an opening of my heart, although the softening felt so limited.
The practice eventually moved to putting a personal spin. Breathing in someone's pain and all I kept thinking was the people in the US fighting to be heard, to have their pain understood. To stop experiencing the brutality of systemic racism that they experience every day.
The tears came + it wasn't from sadness but an up-welling of anger. And for those who don't know me, anger is my go-to emotion. As a woman, I used to think it was bad to be angry but then I was reminded today during practice, that soft voice of my therapist who helped me to understand this anger, that yes, it is absolutely normal to feel the anger. The anger represents the violation of rights, the injustice, the marginalization + the violence endured by black people.
I breathed it in, feeling the discomfort of it + on the exhale, I breathed out the fierce compassion that started to swell up in my chest.
I also had to breath for me, from time to time so that I could continue the tonglen practice. After all, we cannot sustain compassion of others if we do not include our own suffering.
My discomfort or anger hasn't gone away after the practice. And like I said, that's not the point. The point is to relate to the discomfort, the anger, all the emotions that are arising, with an open heart.
That open heart allows me to see, to feel the humanity of this suffering that is happening in the black community not just in the US but world-wide.
Like so many people, I sometimes don't know what to do. But I do think that looking at my own internal dialogue that's been shaped by colonization (I'm from the Philippines, a country that was colonized), while uncomfortable is key.
Sometimes we gotta get uncomfortable to see the systems that are in place that we unconsciously carry in our every day actions + thoughts. Is how I view others + myself stemming from systemic racism? How do I view others? How do I see myself as a minority?
This is a hard post to write, part of it is my own fear. I don't want to make people angry or upset but I also don't want to just not say anything either.
I just know that we can't ignore this shit anymore. We can't blind ourselves from this. We gotta look at it, feel it, sense it, experience it however uncomfortable.
Here is a few places to look over (below) if you want to show support or just want to learn more.
List of National and Local Bail Funds for Protestors across the US - people can choose specific cities - https://bailfunds.github.io/ Campaign Zero: Organization that utilizes research-based policy solutions to end police brutality in the U.S.- https://www.joincampaignzero.org/ Black Lives Matter - Donate - https://secure.actblue.com/donate/ms_...
Also a good book that I found taught me a lot about systemic racism in the US is The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. I read it 10 years ago + it has greatly educated me + continues to shape how I view things in life.
Fair warning, this is not a comfortable practice but that's the thing. Seeing systemic racism + violence play out isn't comfortable. It's fucking hard to watch. It makes me angry, upset, sad, ashamed, doubtful of what I can + cannot do. To just name a few of the complex emotions I've been feeling.
And you know what I learned during this practice? I need to welcome all of that in. What I'm feeling is normal + human because deep down I know from being a visible minority what it feels like to experience systemic racism. I also know that I don't know what it feels like to be a black person in America or Canada or world-wide but I can imagine how fucking scary it is.
As I was guided to breath in the abstract pain + discomfort, I breathed in the tension I felt in my body. I breathed in the anger, the rage, the pain, the sadness, the confusion, the doubt. On my exhale, I imagined a softening, an opening of my heart, although the softening felt so limited.
The practice eventually moved to putting a personal spin. Breathing in someone's pain and all I kept thinking was the people in the US fighting to be heard, to have their pain understood. To stop experiencing the brutality of systemic racism that they experience every day.
The tears came + it wasn't from sadness but an up-welling of anger. And for those who don't know me, anger is my go-to emotion. As a woman, I used to think it was bad to be angry but then I was reminded today during practice, that soft voice of my therapist who helped me to understand this anger, that yes, it is absolutely normal to feel the anger. The anger represents the violation of rights, the injustice, the marginalization + the violence endured by black people.
I breathed it in, feeling the discomfort of it + on the exhale, I breathed out the fierce compassion that started to swell up in my chest.
I also had to breath for me, from time to time so that I could continue the tonglen practice. After all, we cannot sustain compassion of others if we do not include our own suffering.
My discomfort or anger hasn't gone away after the practice. And like I said, that's not the point. The point is to relate to the discomfort, the anger, all the emotions that are arising, with an open heart.
That open heart allows me to see, to feel the humanity of this suffering that is happening in the black community not just in the US but world-wide.
Like so many people, I sometimes don't know what to do. But I do think that looking at my own internal dialogue that's been shaped by colonization (I'm from the Philippines, a country that was colonized), while uncomfortable is key.
Sometimes we gotta get uncomfortable to see the systems that are in place that we unconsciously carry in our every day actions + thoughts. Is how I view others + myself stemming from systemic racism? How do I view others? How do I see myself as a minority?
This is a hard post to write, part of it is my own fear. I don't want to make people angry or upset but I also don't want to just not say anything either.
I just know that we can't ignore this shit anymore. We can't blind ourselves from this. We gotta look at it, feel it, sense it, experience it however uncomfortable.
Here is a few places to look over (below) if you want to show support or just want to learn more.
List of National and Local Bail Funds for Protestors across the US - people can choose specific cities - https://bailfunds.github.io/ Campaign Zero: Organization that utilizes research-based policy solutions to end police brutality in the U.S.- https://www.joincampaignzero.org/ Black Lives Matter - Donate - https://secure.actblue.com/donate/ms_...
Also a good book that I found taught me a lot about systemic racism in the US is The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. I read it 10 years ago + it has greatly educated me + continues to shape how I view things in life.
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