Things Change + That's OK

My meditation practice shifted shortly after getting recalled back when Covid began. Let me backtrack here for intents and purposes.

I started to hear the news about this mysterious disease in China in January 2019. Then in February of that same year, my ex co-workers and I (I don't have that job anymore because it had closed down permanently) were all wondering when the building would temporarily close due to the rise of cases in BC.

Then March came + we got our notice to stay home. At first we were told that it would be two weeks which I thought was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I knew deep down I'd be at home for much longer than that. 

So when I stayed home like so many people to curtail the rise of cases, I was still meditating + journalling regularly. 

But something shifted in my life by June 2019 when I got recalled to work at that company that I was working in at the time.

I was always stressed + scared about the unknowns. Surprisingly not when I was at work. That was perfectly fine but when I was home. 

So one day, sometime in September 2019 I discovered a YouTuber called @MindfulCreativeMuse and discovered her practice that involved watercolor painting with mindfulness. 

My own personal practice was being questioned at the time. I was too stressed to simply sit or even listen to a recording. I mean, I was still doing it but my needs had changed.

After trying out a video of hers where you draw your breath as you mindfully pay attention, I decide to watch her other videos. After that, I decided to buy a cheap watercolor paint set so I could attempt some of her mindfulness videos + that's when my practice changed over time.

Gradually, rather than suddenly, I was more likely to get up and paint marks + circles + globs rather than formally sit. And you know what, my brain loved it! When the brush dipped into water then paint, I could feel myself relaxing. 

I literally felt like my brain was being massaged + that's the only way to explain how relaxed I felt.

So eventually my morning practices changed. When that company I had worked for had told us during a Zoom meeting that it would permanently close by end of December 2019, I had to deal with another onset of challenges.

I managed to find a casual job by the New Year but I took my time. I painted a lot during those times, learning how to paint things like birds or buildings etc. I started to actually just paint instead of mark makings. And like I said, over time I just stopped meditating. 

So where am I now with my practice? I honestly don't have a formally sitting practice.

But when I'm walking around, I notice the trees more than I ever have. I notice the sky or patterns of clouds. I find the ripple of water engaging + I find the sounds of birds, the different cacophonies of bird noise. 

And I think my curiosity for art, for painting + of course now drawing has made me realize that you do not have to sit formally to strengthen your mind. 

There's a lot of studies going around about how painting + engaging in art practices is good for your brain. I decided not to add links because this post isn't about research. 

This post is about how my needs have changed since the inception of this blog. 

I push for mindfulness on this blog but I also recognize that not everyone can sit still. I know for me how hard that is. 

I think as my needs change, I continually learn that mindfulness isn't a formal practice. It simply is about paying attention without judgement. 

You can do that while sitting formally or simply doing the things you love. 

I'm learning through my love of art + painting that you can't fight it when your needs changed. 

I was resistant to it when I noticed I needed something more than a sitting meditation practice. The guilt kept me resistant in all honesty. I don't know why I felt guilty but I did. I felt guilty for not practicing anymore but I was also questioning why I should even feel guilty.

My needs had changed + so what? 

And now I'm wondering what direction this blog should go into. Should I shut it down or rename it? And honestly I'm fully aware that I hardly have any readership so it actually doesn't matter. 

It is just me trying to figure out if this blog is worth keeping.

But I wanted to address this. I do believe I can still offer mindful tips but they've evolved. They hardly have anything to do with a sitting practice.

And a lot of the suggestions I recommend now is a culmination of the gradual changes I've also gone through.

Life isn't static + I am constantly being reminded of that even when I refuse to accept it.

So what I'm learning is this. I'm not going to fight or resist when my needs change. I'm going to stay curios + open to the best of my ability. 

And who cares if I no longer have a formal practice. The world didn't end. Atlas didn't drop the earth to plummet into utter chaos.

Nothing bad happened. Simply that things changed. My needs changed + it isn't a big deal.

I guess that's why we call it life. :-)